Post by awakenedmess on Dec 31, 2021 4:28:45 GMT -8
I am new to the board, will give a quick background to my awakening story. Had what was diagnosed as a psychotic breakdown , was sectioned and put on meds. It was utterly terrifying - it was like all the bad things i have ever done and thought were playing before my eyes, going round and round in my memory. At the same time I felt like i was connected to the universe and there were lots of synchronicities. i did get a bit into spirituality after i left the hospital, but ultimately i tried to pretend like it didn't happen and tried to numb myself. This then resulted in me trying to kill myself and for some reason I was saved (it should have worked). This has culminated in me embarking on the spiritual path. I realised that before my breakdown i was completely and utterly identified with my ego - it is only in the last year that i became aware of it and can observe that critical voice. The problem i have is that i just can't forgive myself for the person i used to be, the way i thought and the way i acted. I was an awful awful person. its like i have gained all this awareness and a completely different perspective of life and how it should be lived, with love and kindness, but i just feel so stuck in the past. I also worry that my children will grow up to be the way I was, I was just so unconscious. I am finding it so hard to be awake, it has brought forth so much guilt and shame and also fear of what is going on in the world. i just don't know if i am strong enough to deal with it. Has anybody been through this - will it get any better?
First, I think you need to talk to someone face to face. Second, what you say about ego reminds me of something in A Course In Miracles that is attributed to the Christ "Why would you want to kill your ego, a thing that you have created?" I may be paraphrasing, but the point is Ego is Not Bad. We need our ego in order to navigate this experience of being human on planet earth. If you are having trouble forgiving yourself and you think you have had an awakening, it only means that you are still wiping the crud out of your eyes. It is a strange metaphor in my opinion - awakening, as it is absolutely inaccurate. You have had a break that has caused you to re-evaluate your life and change the way you think. That doesn't happen overnight or magically, you have steps to take towards forgiving yourself that will not be easy. You will find yourself judging others who seem to be in the destructie path you were once on, you are still on a destrcutive path, you have just veered off one to a less destrcutive path. Spirituality is not absolution. There is a usefulness to the 12 step program that AA uses and that you might find helpful. Don't be so hard on yourself or others in your journey, as that is what it is, a journey. Blessings.
I have not gone through a similar experience, so take my advice with a grain of salt. but as jahara said, first I would talk to someone face to face. And second, I would just remember that we are all here and learning. Whatever you did in the past, may have been awful. But you are still here, and that means you can make amends. It is not up to you on whether you receive forgiveness from them. So if you don't receive that, know that it is ok. You can only change what you do from here on out, not the past. So live life how you want to live it as who you are now. We are all changing, that is a good thing. You have grown, and that is a beautiful thing. Make the most of it by moving forward, instead of getting stuck in the past. You were saved to keep going and to do so with an open heart. It is hard to have that open heart when you feel shame. Shame makes us retreat and hide.
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