Post by awakenedmess on Dec 31, 2021 4:28:45 GMT -8
Hi All,
I am new to the board, will give a quick background to my awakening story. Had what was diagnosed as a psychotic breakdown , was sectioned and put on meds. It was utterly terrifying - it was like all the bad things i have ever done and thought were playing before my eyes, going round and round in my memory. At the same time I felt like i was connected to the universe and there were lots of synchronicities. i did get a bit into spirituality after i left the hospital, but ultimately i tried to pretend like it didn't happen and tried to numb myself. This then resulted in me trying to kill myself and for some reason I was saved (it should have worked). This has culminated in me embarking on the spiritual path. I realised that before my breakdown i was completely and utterly identified with my ego - it is only in the last year that i became aware of it and can observe that critical voice. The problem i have is that i just can't forgive myself for the person i used to be, the way i thought and the way i acted. I was an awful awful person. its like i have gained all this awareness and a completely different perspective of life and how it should be lived, with love and kindness, but i just feel so stuck in the past. I also worry that my children will grow up to be the way I was, I was just so unconscious. I am finding it so hard to be awake, it has brought forth so much guilt and shame and also fear of what is going on in the world. i just don't know if i am strong enough to deal with it. Has anybody been through this - will it get any better?
I am new to the board, will give a quick background to my awakening story. Had what was diagnosed as a psychotic breakdown , was sectioned and put on meds. It was utterly terrifying - it was like all the bad things i have ever done and thought were playing before my eyes, going round and round in my memory. At the same time I felt like i was connected to the universe and there were lots of synchronicities. i did get a bit into spirituality after i left the hospital, but ultimately i tried to pretend like it didn't happen and tried to numb myself. This then resulted in me trying to kill myself and for some reason I was saved (it should have worked). This has culminated in me embarking on the spiritual path. I realised that before my breakdown i was completely and utterly identified with my ego - it is only in the last year that i became aware of it and can observe that critical voice. The problem i have is that i just can't forgive myself for the person i used to be, the way i thought and the way i acted. I was an awful awful person. its like i have gained all this awareness and a completely different perspective of life and how it should be lived, with love and kindness, but i just feel so stuck in the past. I also worry that my children will grow up to be the way I was, I was just so unconscious. I am finding it so hard to be awake, it has brought forth so much guilt and shame and also fear of what is going on in the world. i just don't know if i am strong enough to deal with it. Has anybody been through this - will it get any better?
