Kundalini syndrome/psychosis story. Need help.

Hi everyone,

I want to share my store about my kundalini/spiritual awakening because I really don’t know what to do anymore and I think I really need some serious help or advice from someone who got through something similar or have some adequate knowledge. This story is going to be a little long but I want to give you all the details about what happened.

I think I should start with things that happened before my kundalini awakening. I think that background can be important to the whole awakening. I’m 28 now, I will be 29 in June 2018. I’m a male from small town in Poland. I used to have suicidal thought since I was probably 17/18 years old. I’m the only child. I have a very loving mother and a father who is not usually loving person. My father was always against me and always criticized me, despite being very good at school and not doing much trouble at home. Right now I know that many of my flaws and blocks in my psyche is because of him. It’s not like he was beating me, he wasn’t also an alcoholic but he wasn’t emotionally available and he had this obsession to be always right and never admitted doing something wrong. Because of that I end up being a “nice guy”. It’s a term used in a book “No more Mr. Nice Guy” written by therapist Dr. Robert Glover. I’m just a definition of the kind of man that is described in this book. After high school I moved to a bigger city to continue my education on the university. I chose mechanical engineering on University of Technology instead of my dream specialization which was astronomy on other University in the same town. This was probably one of my biggest mistakes. I chose engineering because many people (especially my father) told me that this is going to be much better choice, it’s going to be easier to find a job etc. I also chose engineering because my friends were also going to this specialization and I could live with them in the same room in dorm. This was probably my second big mistake. I was always shy person and living with them was a safe option for me because I wasn’t forced to meet new people. Another disadvantage of living with them was that they partied a lot and I was really into basketball and didn’t want to drink. I wanted to be committed and successful in a game of basketball. But it was usually hard to not to drink and peer pressure won. As the years were passing I studied specialization that I didn’t want to (wasn’t fully aware of that or didn’t want to be completely honest with myself). I was fooling myself that I’m going to be basketball or dancing star (I also danced hip hop) when I wasn’t 100% committed to my dreams, still parting a lot.

When I was in the 4th year of collage I got into serious relationship that lasted 1,5 years. After 1 year subconsciously I knew that I should break up with her because I didn’t love her that much anymore or that I should be more committed but I didn’t want to confront that thought. I started to smoke a lot of marihuana. We also had a lot of sexual issues, mainly because of my premature ejaculation that was the result of my porn and masturbation addiction but I will get to that later. The last one was probably also a reason why our relationship didn’t work. So with the end of my collage in 2013, my relationship also ended, she couldn’t take anymore my indifference.

I moved back to my hometown for half of year, where I was still smoking a lot. After that, at the end of 2013 I moved back to this big city where my University was and I started looking for a job. For the first half of 2014 I was mostly smoking marihuana, sitting in rented room, watching tv or masturbating. Going to the gym was the only thing that wasn’t waste of a time. I got in serious debt. In the second half of 2014 I finally got a shitty job because of cousin’s effort. During first two months of this job I was smoking every day. After that I really wanted to change something in my life because I was really stuck and depressed. I stopped smoking so much. I still did but not that much. But it still wasn’t enough. I knew I had to change something else in my life to finally be happy and free. I accidently found this movement called NOFAP. It’s a movement that gather people that want to end their porn and masturbation addiction. It also educate on how porn is bad and addictive. Because of that I started to understand what my biggest obstacle was. It was my addiction to porn. I could watch porn and masturbate 2-3 hours a day just to find that “perfect” moment. My favorite combo was porn + marihuana. My brain was swimming in dopamine. So on the October of 2014 I decided that I will stop masturbating and watching porn. And that was the decision that actually changed everything. First week was mostly lots of anger. After that came few weeks were I felt something called “superpowers” in NOFAP community. I was very confident, I was feeling great, I was very focused. And after that, about 1 month in I got in to something called “flatline”. It was a very depressive state, I didn’t have any libido, I was always tired. It was really awful. From time to time I tried to medicate my self through alcohol and marihuana. Next day after using them I usually felt really terrible. But I still didn’t look at porn and I didn’t masturbate.

At the end of January 2015 (it was around 100th day of my NOFAP streak) there was a day that I started to feel terribly exhausted I didn’t know what it was. I just felt that I have to lay in my bad. I could feel like my muscles around my spine started to loosen up. There were some thoughts in my head and I was trying to figure out what should I do in situation that I was imagining, but I just felt that I have to let go, I have to surrender. My vision started to be very blurry and moment later I just felt like my whole body just gave up. Suddenly I felt electric rush from the bottom of my spine to my head. My heart started pounding like crazy and I just knew that something mystical happened. I got up and after few minutes it just calmed down. I didn’t know what to think of that. After few hours I found information on the internet that it could be kundalini. I don’t think I had ever met this term before that day. I had been quite religious (despite rarely going to church since I got into collage), I had been quite close to God or I had been thinking quite a lot about God but I had never been spiritual so I didn’t know any concepts like kundalini. I remember crying that day because I’ve read a story about someone who had to give up a lot of his or her life because of kundalini and I was afraid that I would have to do things that I don’t want to do. In the next few days actually nothing really happen and I forgot about kundalini.

In the next weeks my flatline was slowly lifting up. I started feeling better, got back to the gym, got better job and I smoked only on occasions. I remember that there was this streak that I didn’t smoke for 2 months. I got horny from time to time but I usually didn’t give up. I also tried to conserve my sperm because I’ve read that this is what gives me strength and motivation to do things. Occasionally in first few months after my kundalini awakening there were some strange things that I hadn’t felt ever before. I could move energy through my spine, I remember that one time I got 15 minutes heart orgasm after concentrating my energy on this organ.

In June 2015 everything was quite fine but I just wanted to be able to get in touch with my sexual energy. I wasn’t seeing anybody and I was afraid that if I start masturbating everything would go downhill from there. I started to look at some pictures from time to time without touching myself. After few days or weeks I couldn’t take it anymore and I feel into my old habit for a week or two. Few days after I stopped I got really depressed. I got flatline again and I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to improve my mood with diet because I could see that there is also connection between my mood and the food that I eat. But I couldn’t figure it out. Despite the fact that I knew that all my depression is connected to watching porn I still looked at it from time to time. At the end of summer 2015 I decided that I will cut myself off from porn and masturbation. I also switched to ketogenic diet. I was on this diet almost till the end of 2015. I felt very depressed during that time. I didn’t had a job. I didn’t have motivation to do anything, I gave up on gym also. I was living almost alone in this big city, where I visited my friends from time to time and that was all the contact with people that I had. I thought that I have to stick to this diet so my dopamine receptors can grow up again but I think that during that time this diet made myself so depressed. I rarely drank or smoked marihuana during that time. After I switched to normal diet in the end of the year I started to feel better.

At the beginning of 2016 I started to look for a new job, I started to play basketball again. I felt quite good. But there still was something not entirely ok. I mean I had never wanted to work a job that I’m not passionate about. And this desire still was somewhere in my mind. I always wanted to work in a job where I can feel satisfaction because my work is my passion. That’s probably why I was still sabotaging my career as engineer. So I didn’t get a new job. For the next half of a year I only did one small job for my last employee. My mother was still helping me financially. I hated myself for that. I started to study a lot of spiritual and psychological stuff. I mean I had been doing that since my kundalini awakening but not as much as then. So I after getting through lot of material I figured it out that I have to cleanse myself from bad emotion that I held inside myself. I knew that I hold a lot of anger and resentment, especially towards my father. So I started to get into my emotions. I was just sitting for many hours, even almost whole days and I was just letting myself feel what was coming up. I was feeling that emotion is in a certain body part and I was trying to just feel that. I was pretty sure that it’s helping me but at the same time I felt like there isn’t the end of this purging. After over a week of such intense clearing I started doing some yoga. I got so much into it that I was doing it almost every day, 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the evening. Sometimes I was doing yoga after smoking some marihuana. It was kind of strange that I usually need only a one puff of weed to feel really stoned for few hours. And when I combined yoga and weed it was super pleasurable. Sometimes I had like orgasmic feeling in my whole body for even few hours. But I still wasn’t feeling good after some types of food. I also listen to a lot of different binaural beats during that time.

So in May 2016 I went vegan. I started to feel really good, almost all the time. But after in the middle of June I noticed that I got really bad eye floaters. It really freaked me out. Especially after finding out that floaters are permanent and that there is only really risky surgery that can treat floaters. I was really scared and all I did is searching internet to find some kind of cure. I found out that I got these floaters because while I had been on vegan diet I had taken vitamin B-Complex that had almost 2000% rda of every vitamin and that B2 in big amounts is toxic and can cause floaters. I also found some anecdotal evidence that going for a prolonged fasting can cure floaters. So I decided to go for at least 20 days fast. I did it and it actually didn’t help at all. For 20 days I drank only water. It was horrible experience. At the end of fast I cried almost every day. I lost about 22 lbs (10kg) and was looking really skinny. 2 days after I ended my fast I got really bad panic attack, it was actually some kind of mental breakdown. Next day I called my mom and she took me back to my hometown. I moved back to my parents house. For a first few weeks I really struggle going outside and it was middle of summer so there was lot of light and I could see these floaters almost all the time. I was sitting almost whole day in really dark room just to not see them. Months went by. I still eat almost only vegan food. I tried to go back to the gym but my body was weak from depression, fasting and probably eating only vegan, so after few weeks I gave up. I purchased few books about holistic healing and spirituality. I wanted to get rid of floaters so I could go back to normal life.

I read “outrageous openness: letting the divine take the lead” by Tosha Silver. It really inspired me to start following intuition and to meditate. I remember that in the end of November 2016 I started to meditate and I asked Shakti for help and guidance. I started to feel orgasmic feeling and I started to imagine going into some kind of big vagina. I know it sounds weird but imagining it was increasing this orgasmic feeling in my body.

I should also mention that during that time (I’m not sure if it was before or after the “Shakti meditation” experience) I was smoking marihuana for a few days and I had many different experiences while being stoned. Few times I layed in my bed and I was concentrated on orgasmic feeling that I had in my body ( but I think that this feeling was created because of sexual images in my head, not because my body was creating it on its own, I wasn’t doing it 100% conscious but that’s how I recall it, and I think that this is actually important for the later part of my whole story) and then I started to feel that some parts of my body disappear and I’m kind of merging with my environment. I felt that everything is made from this orgasmic energy. I also remember doing yoga once while was stoned and while I was doing baby pose I suddenly felt this ultimate fear. It was related to feeling completely alone and hopeless or even being aware that I don’t exist. And the last experience that I should mention is that one time when I was concentrating on my 3rd eye chakra while my eyes open I started to see that everything is kind of made from small particles of light and if I want to I can really see like that to this day. It’s not some kind of mystical power, it’s not some sci-fi/mambo jumbo vision, it’s just kind of weird. Maybe everybody can see like that or it’s normal for an eye that it sees some kind of light particles or it’s eyes some kind of photon receptors but I had never noticed it before.

Few weeks went by I started to going outside more and floaters weren’t a big issue. I was doing some clearing from time to time just by laying in my bed and concentrating on my emotions. Then come December 21st 2016. I was laying in my bed and just few minutes after midnight I felt this feeling that I had had when my kundalini awakened for first time. I felt that I have to give up and surrender. Vision wasn’t only blurry, everything was actually flowing like a wave. I suddenly felt that my legs almost completely disappeared and turned into pure powerful energy. The energy was so great that I can’t describe. I was laying there for next 2 hours and felt that my body is completely loosen up and that this energy is doing some work with my organs. After that I fell asleep. Next few days were quite normal but I felt really bad after eating any animal products.

Next memorable night was on January 1st 2017. I was laying in my bad in the evening and I felt really big fear. My body was locked and I just had to surrender to that fear. For over next 2 hours I felt like I was possessed. It was like really great fear was going through my spine and was leaving through back of my skull at great speed. But it was like I couldn’t do much. I couldn’t even move. I had to surrender.

Whole January was really weird and spiritual experience. At least 2 nights a week I had some kind of clearing that I couldn’t control but was fully aware. I didn’t meditate or anything. Usually next day I felt really orgasmic and awesome. Many times especially when it was dark I was seeing white sparkles at the corners of my eyes. When I was seeing them I usually felt really good. Another thing that is worth mentioning was that I was waking up almost every night between 3-5 AM and I was feeling that some kind of bad entities were watching me. I was feeling fear. I read a lot of spiritual material and watch many YouTube videos about spirituality and that earth is going from 3D/4D to 5D world and that there is great spiritual awakening. At the end of January I had this few days that I just couldn’t eat or drink anything. I had energy to do everything but I just couldn’t put anything into my mouth. I also remember that at the last days I was feeling quite well and that there weren’t any major clearings except times in the middle of a day when I felt really tired and just had to lay down. I usually got into some kind of state between sleep and being really conscious. I usually felt that I’m doing some clearing. I think that it was real meditation. Also is worth to mention that usually I ate 2 meals a day that was vegan and high on fat. I felt good after this kind of food and was convinced/felt that this is what I should eat. I think it was the first month that I absolutely devoted all my time to kundalini, to work with it. I still didn’t have a job and I was convincing myself that this is the way as has to be.

At the beginning of February 2017 I had some downs. I went to a party were I got really drunk. Next day I was feeling really guilty and had a lot of sexual lusty thoughts. I also smoked weed few days in a row. I remember that when I only took a small hit I immediately were super stoned and had a panic attack but I kept smoking anyway for a few next days. And the worst part of beginning of February was that I started to take B12 because I thought that I have to take it because of my vegan diet. After about (I think) two weeks I noticed new floaters in my eyes. I got another some kind of mental breakdown. My mother convinced me to go to a therapist. I felt so hopeless and I had so much anxiety that it seemed like good idea. So in the second part of February I started therapy. My appointments were once a week.

It was a really bad and intense time of my life. It was like almost every day I was just laying down in my bed and the thoughts of past bad deeds were coming to me. I will expand it later. Again there were days were I couldn’t put anything into my mouth because I couldn’t control myself 100%. It was like some force was guiding me. But I can tell that I didn’t like it. There were different kind of experiences during next 3 months. For example in the times where I couldn’t eat and drink I had this urge to spit a lot of saliva. I had a cup near my bed to just spit every few minutes. I felt horrible and I felt that I can’t do much about it. I just had to lay and wait. I had heart palpitations. I could see energy. I could see light when I was closing my eyes. I had the feeling that I have to concentrate on my 3rd eye. I had headaches. I felt pressure in my forehead and on the crown of my head. I had ringing in the ears. I felt that world is going through big change and people that are responsible for the way things are, finally will get their punishment. I was thinking about spirituality and how world should look like almost all the time. I always had to get to the right answer, I had to know how the world should look like. I don’t know if the answers were my or from outside of me. I had sometimes these concepts that I didn’t like. For example people shouldn’t get married because we are here to have sex with multiple partners. Because sexual energy is not what we think it is. It’s a state of love. And people on higher plane can have whole body orgasms without ejaculation so they don’t have to worry about getting someone pregnant (I just want to have a wife and kids in a future, despite I can’t see myself starting a family right now). I also had (still sometimes have) this weird idea to say to some of my friends that we shouldn’t contact anymore. There had been some times when it hadn’t been good for me keeping up with them because I had been smoking more or they hadn’t always treated me right but I know that they had never purposely wanted to harm me. I see them few times a year now for few hours so just saying that I don’t want to keep in touch would be weird, also because we have many mutual friends. I still like them, they wanted to help me many times. There is just something in me that can’t give up. After bad days there were coming also good days were I started feeling this sexual orgasmic feeling or good in general. When I felt like that I usually fitted my thoughts into this feeling. I had really weird sexual fantasies (for example about some kind of my spiritual mother that wasn’t my earthly mother or my spiritual sister, I felt very safe and when there weren’t any thoughts that said it’s weird, I was having even whole body orgasms without touching myself. I also had fantasies that I was on some kind of spaceship and that I could orgasm just because holding hands with someone). During that time I wasn’t able go outside. Firstly because new floaters caused panic attacks and I because of that I was constantly on edge. I didn’t know what’s going to stress me next time. If it’s going be something real like floaters or my parents asking me why I’m not looking for a job or something internal that I didn’t have any control of. Secondly I didn’t have any interest in going out. During last 2 years I lost some interest in some kinds of activities that did not serve me anymore but during that time I wasn’t just able to do anything. The only opportunities to go outside were driving my grandma twice a day to the senior club, going for groceries from time to time and visiting my therapist once a week. Every time I went outside I felt great stress. I also had some OCD experiences and I will expand that thought later.

When I wanted some I usually felt automatically bad. Just because I wanted something that is not some basic need (also not to extent, I had to check now and then for example when I was eating if I didn’t eat too much, I had to make sure that I ate just enough for my body purposes). When I wanted to do something I had to check it with my inner moral code which I think was made from all of information that I gathered through these months of learning about spirituality from every source possible. So I did only the things that I felt that I want to and at the same time God would be pleased with them. I think my strongest rule (probably I wasn’t even aware of that) was to give my 100% devotion to God and my “intuition”. So basically all I did for these few months was laying in my bad going through all that bad staff that I did in my life and trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong. I didn’t eat a lot. Sometimes I just wasn’t hungry despite not eating for a day or so. Sometimes I ate only one kind of food because I felt that this is the right thing to do. I remember eating only oranges for a few days. I showered every 2-3 days. I almost never shaved. I really looked like bad. I got really skinny. My parents were really worried. But at the same time, especially on the subconscious level I felt that It has to be like this because it’s written “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me” (Mt 10, 37) and there were many things that I did or didn’t do because there were always these lines from bible in my head that I couldn’t confront. It was like I could confront things that people said to me or things that I read on the internet because I was never sure if this is true or if this person was right. But I couldn’t confront what is written in the bible (especially in gospels) because from little child to even now I was absolutely sure that everything that is written there is 100% and I have to be like Christ and do everything as he said because if I don’t, I will suffer. The best part is that there is not a single person that I know of, that lives in modern times and does at least a quarter of things that Jesus did. It’s like I don’t want to believe in this anymore, I want to escape these thoughts. I want to be free and live my own live.

Almost every day something major was happening, I mean spiritually speaking. And usually it lasted for hours. I was exhausted. And once a week I was going through that hell once again cause I was telling about stuff that came up previous week to my therapist. I didn’t tell her that it just came random at me because some kind of power wanted me to think about that or feel the feeling of my past acts. But I just told her that I was trying to figure out what was wrong in my life or in my behavior and what is the reason behind that. And I had never written down what I should tell here before my visit because as it’s in bible – I should never be prepared in what I should tell. I also wasn’t able to make long term plans because I didn’t know if God had other plans for me. It was horrible. I didn’t like this way of doing things and I always felt this anxiety of unknown and not having control over anything. I still have this mindset from time to time and I don’t like it.

And there came the May of 2017 that was absolutely insane. I remember it started with this day that I started to thinking about confronting my father with the conversation that I was really afraid of. Long story short I wanted him to apologize me for not being the father that he should be. I listed (yea I did it despite my “never be prepared” compulsion) few things that hurt me the most. The conversation was terrible. I was very emotional. As usual he was doing everything just to not apologize to me. There were a lot excuses but finally he apologized to me. After that I said that I love him, he told me that he loves me back. We hadn’t said it for at least 15 years, I think. I did it because of my OCD to do everything right, I’m not even sure that I wanted to do it, but I was very vulnerable during these times. After few hours I thought that I should apologize to him for not being always a good son. So I did it to, despite that he didn’t want to listen to that, cause he is emotionally unavailable and this was also a sign for him that I have depression. I also did a list for what I should thank my parents. I was exhausted but I came to them and read it out loud, cried and hug them. My mother cried a little bit and said that she loved me. My father said that I shouldn’t do it anymore because it’s not good for myself. But I thought that I did what I should did. That I was doing my catharsis.

I think that next day I started to think about other people and things that I did to them. I started to think about the worst things that I was most embarrassed of. I started to write everything down. I also made a list of people that should apologize to me for doing bad things to me especially when I hadn’t reacted when they were unfair towards me. I think I should mention that during these days I thought that I should confront every fear that I have immediately. If anything came up I confronted that despite being completely mentally and physically exhausted. I thought that this is what I should do. It was much like OCD, maybe it even was one. And if I did anything to confront any fear I was convincing myself that I should do it in a manner that was the most “painful” and fearful. These days I was looking at my floaters for as long as they made me fearful almost every day. Now going back to my apologizing and asking for my apology. I send some massages to my friends that I was most afraid to confront. I admitted to do some stealing when I was younger. I was very meticulous when I was writing about my deeds. It was making me more fearful. Looking at this now it wasn’t any big stealing, it was actually really small stuff. I was about 15 years old when I stole those few things from my first friend. And I was about 23-26 when I stole some weed few times from my second friend, they were really small amounts. I was quite a drug addict during that time. I was really embarrassed when I was writing these because I they were still my friends. Both of them wrote back to me that these weren’t big deals. I also asked one of my friends to apologize to me for being mean to my ex-girlfriend. She wrote back some nice words and it seemed like she’s sorry but she never said “sorry” or “apologize” and this is the time that I should tell a little bit about my OCD or something that looks like one. It’s like I feel that I should ask her again to just say these words because I’m still not “satisfied” with her answer. It’s like everything must be 100% clear in my relations with other people. Also when I’m talking to them. But I will expand that topic later.

After dealing with my relations with people for two days I was completely exhausted. It was late evening of the day when I sent all these messages. I was laying in my bed when suddenly I felt like my body just can’t go on. Despite all the adrenaline, my body just completely loosen up. And I mean completely. Suddenly all the muscles that are around my tailbone completely loosen up. I couldn’t do anything to squeeze them. I felt this energy that was going from my crouch into my head through my spine. My heart was pounding like crazy. I just didn’t know what is going on. It wasn’t like my previous kundalini experiences. I was completely awake and terrified. It was almost midnight. I was walking in my room, trying to calm down but it didn’t change anything. My thoughts were racing. Suddenly I started to have thoughts that I have to go outside. That there is something that I have to see. I live near the forest and I started having these thoughts that I have to go the certain spot in this forest and that probably my “alien” family will be there waiting for me (this was probably from everything I read about whole earth awakening, I mean long story short it is said that creatures from whole space gathered here, now to help people and earth move into higher plane of existence, I just had this feeling that I can be one of them). They weren’t there. I was sitting there for a little while. At night in darkness in a woods. Terrified of my thoughts and feelings and that I didn’t know how to stop that. After a while I started to have thoughts (I probably had them also when I was still at home but after this “energy awakening”) that I should hitchhike and go to some kind of drug addict facility and volunteered there (these thoughts probably appeared because of all the biblical texts about selfless servings to others). I had these thoughts to just leave everything now and go there in the middle of the night. I was terrified. For about 0,5 mile I was going next to the street were usually cars go by but there weren’t any cars. Probably because it was middle of the night. I was considering hitchhiking if any of the cars were passing me by. I came back home. I think it was 2 AM. These thoughts about volunteering where vanishing but I still had these feeling, pounding heart and unstoppable energy going through my spine. I suddenly started having thoughts about making a big barbeque party for all my neighbors. I live in a house and there are about 14 houses on my street. I don’t have any good relations with my neighbors. It’s not like I hate someone but I just don’t talk with anyone. I started to have these thoughts that were forcing me to make it as fearful as it can be for me. Every time I didn’t want to do it, this force was just greater. I was fighting these thoughts for hours. I couldn’t sleep. Before 9 AM, when my parents were at work, I was so exhausted and vulnerable that I decided to call my dad and ask him if we can make a barbeque for our neighbors. I think he knew that something was not right because this was a thing that I would never do. He said that we will talk about it when he comes home. I agreed. After about 2-3 hours these feelings and thoughts started to vanish. Also the energy. I think I went to sleep around noon and slept for 2 hours. After I woke up I didn’t want to do it anymore. I felt quite normal but I didn’t understand what had happened (even now just thinking about this event I feel anxious).

Days went by and I still was doing some clearing almost every day. Or I just had to sit in silence while concentrating on my 3rd eye because I felt that I had to. I was seeing lights while my eyes were closed. I remember that I told about this event to my therapist. I didn’t mention aliens but I told her about going outside, thinking about leaving everything and also doing barbeque for my neighbors. She told me that I should definitely slow down my process of dealing with my past. Partially I knew she was right but at the same time I didn’t know if next night wouldn’t be next clearing experience that I have no control of. I remember that when I was talking to her about that event felt like I was going through it partially again. I mean I got so exhausted during my speaking. I felt the energy that tried to get through my tight muscles of lower back. I had to get up and started walking around the room just to try to feel normal.

I think that the same day I felt this weird sensation of love that was really intense and I felt it in my heart. It lasted for few minutes but I got really scary because it was so intense.

I should also mention that during these days there was a situation that I almost wasn’t able to drive my grandmother to the senior club (I was doing it because my mother asked me to do it, she usually worked during day time and I was almost always at home so it was quite normal to help her). I felt like I shouldn’t drive her there because my family and friends don’t need my help (they can do it all on their own) and I should be helping people that really need my help and are in much worse situations. I remember that I felt so bad that I almost couldn’t drive but I did it anyway.

After few days I started having these really weird emotions of anger that I couldn’t stop. I started to imagine some people like my father or Jesus or God and I was imagining hitting them just to process this aggression. I wanted to hurt them because I felt that they let me down in my life. This lasted for I think two days. In the evening of second day I was really exhausted from tensioning my muscles. Suddenly I started having these spams in my body that were really hard to control or stop. Every time I loosen up my muscles and was trying get asleep there were still waking me up. It felt like little adrenaline rushes. So I started consciously letting this energy to do its job. I was in this spams for I think about hour. I was really exhausted but it wasn’t slowing down. Few times I even stopped breathing and started to exhale all the air that I had in my lungs. I could feel that because of that, this energy is reaching new areas in my brain. But it all felt really forced. I didn’t know what to do.

Next day or maybe even the same but in afternoon this thing happened. I started crying and started to feel like I’m being completely separated from my mother. It was like I would never see her again despite I knew I was going to see her again the same day. It was really terrible experienced that I couldn’t stop.

And there came these two days that turned everything upside down. It started with me drinking a really light beer (2,5%) right after noon. I barely drank in 2017 because from few months I had felt that every time I drank, next day my body was detoxing me from alcohol really intense. Beside that I had been feeling really guilty. Going back to the story. I took a nap. When I woke up in afternoon and I started to have the same “energy awakening” that I had week or two weeks earlier. This time my thoughts were about leaving my house, selling everything and starting to live with homeless people in the city that I had been on the university. I was feeling forced to imagine asking people for accommodation for me and my fellow homeless people. I was imagining that my parents would come to this city and would ask me to come back home and I would tell them that I can’t because living like this is my home now. And I really didn’t want to do that but I couldn’t stop these thoughts. I went for a walk to the forest near my house and I remember that there was a moment that I felt like I was having heart attack. My heart was pounding so hard that I had to sit on the ground. I came back home. Nothing was helping me. I remember looking at my dvd collection and I just felt that I had to sell it and give all my money to the homeless. I felt that I have to leave everything. Take only the things that I can sell or give to the homeless and left myself with one jacket, pants and bag. I was terrified. I was struggling with it whole night. Every time I told myself that I won’t do it, I felt that I can’t breathe and had spasms.

After not sleeping for whole night I ate the breakfast and started thinking that I really had to do this because if I don’t it won’t go away. It was like really, really bad OCD. I started to think what I would write in farewell letter to my parents. At about 11 AM, my mom came back probably from shopping ( I don’t remember) and I just told her that I’m feeling so bad that we have to go the psychiatrist for a shot because I’m losing my mind and I can’t calm down. She called a doctor and she said that the doctor can meet me in a few hours. I tried everything to calm down but I wasn’t able. I started watching a YouTube video from a guy who connects idea of psychosis with spiritual awakening. I had been listened to his videos before. He told about that when he had had his “psychosis” he had had to get naked in some crowd of people and had peed himself. I started to had thoughts about getting naked in the center in the city where my university is and where I had been thinking about being homeless ( I should also said that I had been thinking about being like Jesus and that I would heal people with God’s help. And that He would always give me the bare minimum that I would need to survive. And this would be my life from now on). I’m not sure if I had these thoughts before listing to that video or after. But from now on I was thinking about getting completely naked in public. I was terrified. I couldn’t stop it. For some time I was thinking about getting naked in the center of that big city and after that I was thinking about getting naked in this psychiatrist office. Just so I didn’t have to go for 1,5 hour ride to this big city. But I couldn’t take it anymore so I got naked in my house. I came to my mother and I asked her to hug me. She was shocked. She hugged me. I just collapsed for a second. I didn’t have strength after I hugged her. I just fell on the ground and didn’t move for a few seconds. She screamed and called ambulance. She told me to get dressed and that in a few minutes there would be an ambulance. I was just sitting in a room and didn’t know what to do. I just couldn’t take it anymore. My mom called my dad and he came home. After that ambulance showed up. They took me. After talking with my parents they took me to the nearest psychiatrist hospital.

When I got there I was waiting for a doctor who would do the medical interview. The paramedics were watching me. I had really weird states. I felt different emotions of intense aggression, desire to get naked again and absolute peace. But I didn’t do anything in particular. After about half an hour the doctor spoke with me. They took me to the ward. I remember this feeling that I didn’t feel any fear when I was looking into people’s eyes. I felt very provocative and I looked deeply into people’s eyes for a first half an hour there. After that I calmed down. I spoke with other patients. I was feeling like that for I think 2-3 hours. My parents came to visit me and I was feeling ok.

In the afternoon I started to have this weird feeling. I was feeling really bad emotionally. I was feeling that some kind of bad energy is in me. I started to feel really anxious. I asked nurses for some pills for calming down. I took them few times. It didn’t do anything. This feeling was growing. I started to think about killing myself but I couldn’t find anything that I could use as a “weapon”. After some time I decided to make a rope from my socks and that I’m going to suffocate myself using plastic bag and my “rope”. I wanted to wait until late evening but I couldn’t take it anymore. This feeling was so intense that I just had to kill myself. I went to the bathroom. I let the water go, I undressed myself and just put two bags on my head and tied my “rope” around my neck. I started to suffocate. I was asking God for forgiveness because I just felt that there is no other option for me than killing myself. Despite how horrible suffocation felt I didn’t stop because I wanted to die so much. I passed out. Suddenly I saw light. Someone tore apart the bags. Nurses and a patient was hitting my face. I didn’t feel anything. I just felt good for a moment. I remember that being unconscious felt good. After a while I got back to the real world. They gave me a shot and asked me if I’m going to do this again. I said that probably yes. They put in me restraining bed in isolated room. I remember that when they put me there I thought that this feeling would never end. That I will be there forever and I wouldn’t be able to end my life and that I will suffer like this forever. They had a camera there so they could watch me. This feeling was horrible and I was twisting my body because I couldn’t stand it. After few minutes nurses and doctor came back and accused me of taking drugs (that was the only explanation for them for my behavior). They gave me another shot. I calmed down a little bit. I fell asleep. I woke up at night and I remember that it was freezing there. I was still under effects of shots but I was quite conscious. I didn’t feel the horrible urge to kill myself tho.

For the next few days they gave me lot of shots. Just in case, I think. They didn’t put me back in restraining bed. I don’t remember much from these days. They put me also on (probably, I’m not 100% sure) benzodiazepines. I started feeling better. I got early in the morning (about 5 AM), I did yoga and exercised. I talked to other patients a lot. But I still had anxiety from time to time and was thinking about spirituality a lot.

After two weeks I had this day that I felt very energetic and had to move a lot. I was feeling that I’m processing anger through exercising. Next day I started having another “energy awakening”. From the beginning of that day I was thinking about getting naked in front of everybody. When I was laying in my bed I had spasms. I was fighting it. It lasted till afternoon. I had an appointment with hospital’s therapist. I couldn’t take it any longer so I decided that I get naked in front of her. I came to her I said that I’m going to get naked. She stopped me. We went for a shot. It didn’t make much. I felt that the shot made my situation even worse. I went back to the nurses and said that the shot wasn’t enough. So the doctor gave me some really strong pills. After about half an hour I went for a cigarette ( I started to smoke when I got into hospital). When I was in a smoking room I just knew that I can’t take it anymore. I just had to get naked. I came back to the TV room where most patients were sitting. I told one of my friends (patient) that I’m going to get naked. So I undressed myself completely. He took my clothes and said that we should go and see nurses. I remember that I felt proud and angry. When the nurses saw me they started yelling at me. They said that I have to get dressed and that they are going to put me in restraining bed. I didn’t want to get dressed but I did anyway. So they locked me in an isolated room. When I was laying there I felt quite peaceful but at the same time I didn’t feel 100% relieved. After about an hour a doctor came in and untied me.

Next day they put me on a few more medication. They thought that I had schizophrenia. The pills were really strong. I was feeling like not doing anything. I didn’t want to participate in anything. I had a lot of anxiety that this state of “energy awakening” would get back. After 2 weeks they got me off benzodiazepines. I was feeling very suicidal. They gave me shots every day for a few days because I couldn’t stand it. But I didn’t get into isolated room again. My family after noticing that I’m getting worse in that hospital, they decided to move to better hospital ( to the big city where my university is). So after 8 weeks in my first hospital I moved into another one.

This one was much better. It looked much better. There were more staff members, more doctors and more activities. I should mention that in the first hospital I could only go outside once a day with therapist for 45 minutes. But after so many pills that was the last thing that I wanted to do. In the second hospital after a week I could go outside because hospital had its own garden. I could even get a free pass sooner but I didn’t feel ready.

In the first week they put off all my medications so they could do some tests. I started to feel better. Although I had some trouble sleeping since some of the pills that I had been taking were for sleep. The doctors decided to put me only on antidepressant. They decided that they are not sure what is wrong with me but I definitely am depressed. After taking the pill for a first time I felt really weird. The energy was really weird. I also read on the internet that you can get floaters from taking antidepressants so I decided that I won’t be taking it.

During first week I also had this weird, terrifying experience. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was seeing this green kaleidoscope with my closed eyes. I remember that I wanted to recall what my dream was about but I couldn’t and I felt strange energy on the top of my head. After a while it turned into feeling of total death. I know it sounds crazy but it was like death and nothing else. It was very intense. I was feeling like I was dying. I got up and went to a bathroom. It went off after about half of a minute. I was very scared. This feeling happened to me also about month and a half later.

Weeks went by and I was feeling better. I could read books. Play and talk with other people. I was finally enjoying doing something. Not like 100% better but it was definitely better then when I was in first hospital. I still felt anxiety and had some OCD issues. I was still afraid that this “energy awakening” will haunt me again. I had spasms from time to time when I was going to sleep. Especially after watching some porn or masturbating. I tried not doing it at all. I tried to be occupied all time. From time to time I had this feeling, some kind of panic attack that it’s happening again. But it always lasted for few minutes top.

One time I got really bad day and I started to have this “purging” OCD thoughts about texting my ex-girlfriend and telling her about all the lies and other bad things that I did to her. I couldn’t stop it. So I wrote to her few times in about one hour. It was like I was having some memories and I was writing that to her. After that I was waiting for another memory and that’s how it was. Next day I was quite regretting doing this. I don’t like thinking about that. She never responded to these massages despite that we had had contact from time to time in the past.

After over 10 weeks they let me go. 3 days before I left I started seen this girl that was also a patient. I was visiting her a lot for a next month. Then she said that we shouldn’t see each other because this is not a good time in her life. I still wanted to see each other because I was feeling something towards her but at the same time I was glad that we broke up because I still had this anxiety that I hadn’t dealt with this fear that is inside me and I also had this OCD that I shouldn’t commit to anything or plan anything. I was and still am very anxious when I think about that I can’t control it. I feel like I’m constantly on edge from this last one “energy awakening” that happened in the middle of 2017. It’s like there is always something that won’t let me be 100% myself. When I was younger I had a lot of blockages to do the stuff that I truly wanted to, I had a lot of fear and doubts but right now lot of them do not exist anymore. Right now it’s like I regained some of my mojo to do stuff. I even have some dreams, but it’s still like right now this one thing that it’s holding me back. Some kind of fear that is at the bottom of my mind. I can’t do much because of it.

When I got home I also wanted to get a job. But when I started searching job offers on the internet I started to feel this pressure in my body and a lot of anxiety that I’m not supposed to do that. It’s like subconsciously I was afraid that I still should leave everything, my whole life and that I should go and serve homeless people by being one of them. I really don’t want to do that.

So I try to distract myself as much as I can. I came back home from hospital almost 4 months ago. I watch a lot of tv shows and spend much time on the internet. Over 2 months ago I got back to the gym and this the thing that really helps me out. On weekends I’m seeing my friends and I actually can enjoy it. Not 100% but it’s better than in the last months before I got into hospital. I smoke about two cigarettes a day. When I was in hospitals I smoked about pack a day. I don’t drink alcohol. I drunk just a little bit 2 times after hospitals and few hours later I got really hot and my body was purging alcohol through my skin. It wasn’t nice feeling.

I have really strong OCD (especially spiritual/ moral scrupulosity) from to time to time (I have one for about almost 4 weeks now). I used to have religious scrupulosity when I was a kid because my family was quite conservative and going to the church was a must till I was in my late teens. I had the usual religious OCD for example I used to have a thought like “ god is stupid “ and I felt a lot of fear and guilt, at the same time I couldn’t stop thinking of that. I never really talked about it as a kid because I thought this is something really bad I think I was afraid of being punished. I also had sexual fantasies as a kid and I also felt lot of guilt and fear because of that. My parents always told me that I have to close my eyes if there is a sexual scene on tv (when I was watching tv with them). I felt really ashamed to the point that later I wouldn’t even watch tv in the evening with them cause I was afraid that there will be an erotic scene. But let’s get back to the OCD, especially my current OCD. I think it started around February of 2017 (around the time I got my second “attack” of floaters). There are times where my mind is doing everything it can just to make me do what it wants. It’s like everything I ever read or believed in is used against me. I have this OCD to do everything right. The biggest struggle is when I talk with someone I want to be super accurate when I talk about something. I don’t want to be any lie in my speaking. I also feel very guilty when I interrupt someone. It’s like even when I try not to concentrate on that fact it still haunts me and sometimes even after few hours I apologize to someone for interrupting them and ask them what they were trying to say. It’s really messed up because it’s not like I interrupt someone that is talking about something really serious and I interrupted them in the middle of the sentence. It’s like I feel guilt when it’s casual conversation with my friends and they actually said everything they wanted and I’m starting talking and I hear that they wanted to start a new topic but I started talking. I also feel that I’m doing something wrong when I watch movies on the internet because that can be illegal.

About masturbation I still try not to do that. I haven’t masturbated in almost 2 months now. But I watched some porn between Christmas and the beginning of January 2018. I feel that this mess up with my dopamine. But it’s like I sometimes I need a really strong distraction. At the same time I recently got back my OCD so I think that these 2 can be related (I also ate a lot of chocolate in last few weeks and I think it also can mess up OCD since dopamine production is (probably) related to the same brain area). I also fantasied a lot during my most spiritual times, I mean first half of 2017. I was feeling this orgasmic energy going through my body back then but I also fantasied so this energy could move more efficiently through my body and I also thought that I had more control over it because of doing that. I’m not sure that I should do that back then. I don’t know if I should completely stop any sexual activity. I tried masturbation without fantasy and porn while concentrating only on my body but after orgasm I usually felt tired and I felt that energetically my right side of body gets “closed”, near my erogenous areas. At the same time when I don’t masturbate I can feel that energy is building up inside me. It’s not that easy to control my thinking. I usually have more anxiety. I feel a lot of pressure in the body.

I usually have problem with right side of my body. It’s like it’s blocked. All this energy and anxiety that I feel is usually in left side of my body. Also when I got spasms before sleeping I usually get them in the left side of my belly.

I should also mention that I don’t feel much manly, especially in a last few years. I don’t know if this is related to any stuff that I wrote but maybe.

What can I say? My two dominating emotions are anger and anxiety. I can hear humming noise in my head almost all the time. I have got it probably since I got into psychiatric hospital. I had heard it before but it wasn’t constant. I’m just so tired of this. I have depression on and off for five years now. My family is really worried. I just want to get a job or money just so my parents don’t have to pay for my living. They getting older and despite that they are not perfect they don’t deserve this kind of stress and worries. I’m really worried that if another “energy awakening” happens or some major incident (like floaters) happen I won’t be able to go through this. I’m afraid that I could harm myself. I just feel so stuck and tired. I can’t get free. I’m so much in my head. I’m constantly on edge because I’m afraid of another “energy awakening”.

I never was a bad person. Especially I never really hurt anyone in real live. I had some bad thoughts about some people but I never really put them in action. I usually knew that there are only emotions. I always tried to help people if I could. Sometimes even strangers on the street. Many times because not I wanted to but I thought that God would be pleased with me if I give food to homeless people (for example). But I really liked helping people that I love. My family and my friends know that they can always count on me. I don’t think I deserved all that suffering that happened to me in last 10 years and especially in last 3-4. Maybe it’s a karma from my past but actually looking at my life from the beginning to now I can’t imagine me as a person that does something that horrible to suffer that much. I never asked for this. I did asked for some help from God in periods of really terrible depression especially right after my collage but I didn’t asked for something like that.

I often read that it’s all according to a plan, that everything is always perfect and fair. That everything happens for a reason and everything happen so we can learn I really wanted to believe that but I don’t do that anymore. If that’s true, people would never committed suicide and would never be punished karmicly for such actions. If you know what kind of experiences are ahead of you before coming to this earth, why would someone come here if he knew that he will commit suicide?

Am I God or I’m not? If I chose my destiny before next incarnation I would never chose to suffer that much. If I’m not God, there is someone who determines what will happen to me. So he choose for me to suffer that much and to do things that I don’t want to. If he wants for world to be a better place why he forces me to do these things and why he doesn’t come and fix it himself. If he is so almighty and perfect why did he created such imperfect world? Why did he create suffering? And don’t talk to me about all this crap that there is darkness and light and that our world is between these two. If it is like this that it means that God isn’t perfect, almighty and is only love because he can’t create something good not creating bad at the same time.

I really can understand that we need change and spiritual awakening is a part of evolution but I can’t understand why it had to be that hard and radical. I’m not going this way anymore. Enough is enough. I never wanted this, never was interested in spiritual awakening. I knew that connection to God is important but not like this. I really don’t want that anymore. If there is anything to reverse it or to stop it, just tell me please. I think I suffered enough. I don’t want to be enlightened. I just want to live regular live as most people. I want to have normal problems and normal experiences.

There is so much stuff that I did during my most spiritual time that I haven’t found that anybody else were doing. It’s like I think I was forcing a lot. I found this blog that seems that is written by a really educated guy. It seems like he knows a lot about kundalini and he says that there is no such thing as kundalini psychosis. That these kind of experiences happened because of wrong spiritual practices and imagining/thinking too much and it seems that this is all that I was doing for a long time. He says that real spiritual practice/experience it’s more like this one when I totally lost control over my body and energy was doing its job. Also meditation is this state that looks like sleep but you still have your awareness. I did it few times about year ago, before my second “floaters attack”.

I also found one guy that said that he also had to get naked in public (I was listening to the same guy just before I got naked in front of my mom, right before they took me to the hospital). It’s the only guy that says that this is normal and that it made him free (I searched a lot on the internet about someone who got spiritual awakening and had to get naked and beside that guy I found only one mentioning about other guy who got naked on some forum and that is all that I could find) It seems like he also messed a lot with fear and that he was admitted to his past deeds. But at the same time he thought that he is dead and that getting naked (not in front of people, just public building) is his way to go to heaven. I don’t feel like I’m dead. Also there are a lot of people who get through spiritual awakening and doesn’t have to go through something like this. I also heard that when you get into kundalini psychosis your mind is trying to understand what’s going on and it’s giving you all the things that you know about it or heard about it as “answers”. That’s also a reason why people shouldn’t read too much about other kundalini psychosis experiences because they can do the same things.

I tried some advice that I found on the internet. Like walking barefoot, eating more meat and root vegetables, heavy lifting. These last two helped me but for short time and it was like I started to feel more energetic and I had some motivation to create for example art but at the same time my libido kicked in and I masturbated (without porn or fantasy) like once a week for few weeks in a row and that slight mojo that I had got, vanished. Maybe I shouldn’t masturbate and I should just go with the flow and it would got even better but at the same time I should say that despite feeling better mentally there still was this fear at the bottom of my mind.

I still exercise. It’s like the only thing right now that I’m a little passionate about.

The most popular and probably effective advices that I found are clearing/opening front channel for getting your energy from head to ground (or stomach or genitals, I can’t remember really). But I haven’t tried it because I don’t want to mess up with energy again. I live in a small town in Poland and there are not any people that could help me with opening my front channel or help me with energy at all. There are no kundalini gurus or at least I haven’t found them yet. I also don’t have any money so I can’t go to place where I could found one.

So what can I do? How I can stop it or reverse it? How I can live normal live again? What can I do if this “energy awakening” happen again? How I can calm it down? If you have any advice just please let me know.

Just please don’t give me advice – that I should let go, just surrender trust your intuition because I’m completely exhausted surrendering and doing what my “intuition” told me to do. It hadn’t given me much in the past beside more pain and tiredness. I hope that there is a solution. Please just please someone help me. I hope there is someone who can relate and got through this (and at the same time I hope there isn’t anyone like me, I hope that no one has to go through this).

PS. Sorry for my English, it’s not my native language.

(Edit by Admin: For a shorter summary, click on this.)