Post by nobodyspecail07 on Jun 15, 2019 19:55:55 GMT -8
It seems we all want some sort of story to listen to and so I have recognized most of us are interested in the story of HOW, WHY, and what not has caused this thing to occur. I don't know what occured and can't pin point any particular reason for this "happening" if you will..but...here it is...i used a lot of drugs between the ages of 18 and 28. I was insecure, afraid of the world, and always wanted approval or validation...always wanting people to like me..I wanted to be liked by others that seemed to be more confident, more secure, I wanted others to think I was Cool. It seemed to come to a point where I decided I must either kill myself...or try once more to do something without expecting anything to happen (as they always talk in those meetings of the "miracle" and that sort of thing and I had no idea what they were talking about, I still don't as I wouldnt call it a miracle) And so it seems I went out and did the one thing I feared most, I went to one of those AA meetings and spoke out and pushed through the anxiety and something there in that moment opened up, or sort of came flowing out that came from a source of energy I never imagined could happen naturally. I spoke with authority, had no care for what anyone thought about what I was saying at all...and so...i can't really say to anyone to go out and face their fears or any such thing..this thing seems to be A-causal. It seems it just happens..this chemical release of some sort. And so over probably the course of a week, it gradually continued to gain momentum..and so ensued a relentless questioning of this so called "self". It seemed to be a gradual recognition that I was the only problem if there was any. "I" is the problem.."me" the identity, WANTING to be something I'm not. I can't tell anyone to do what I did and that some miracle may happen for them..i wasn't even LOOKING for this. I wouldn't even look for it if I was someone trying to figure or seek this out now being in it because there is NO going back. The relentless question left me with one last question..what am I? And I stopped asking any questions of that sort all together. This thing is nothing to play with and it can be dangerous and get out of hand. The seeking of this (assuming I "know" what they mean by spiritual awakening at all) how can I know for certain that this is what they talk of..that I'm in the same state as all these so called saints, sages, and saviors most like to look to? But I do have a particular certainty of something..the nature of wich I can't even say anything about, only allude to or try to point to using the thought which is logical and rational by nature and this thing is very much illogical and irrational. Why am I writing on this message board..i suppose because I have to make some noise..it wants to express itself in some way..and the admin is very gracious to allow this venue for me. I use "I" and "me" for purposes of communication, otherwise i see no self or entity behind this...the thought falls into its natural rhythm along with the workings of the rest of the body...so I only "think" when I'm engaged otherwise no thinking is needed to just do whatever it is we have to do...enough out of me.